I love the anonymity of the internet. On this blog I'm going to write things I will never say to anyone in real life. I hope that it will help me to get some control over my eating.
I have known for a long time that my eating habits are out of control. I cannot remember a time when I didn't eat in secret. Naturally this has become worse since I moved away to university. I'm starting my fourth year here, I'm the biggest I've ever been, and my weight is starting to affect my health.
I'm 5'8". Somewhere between 18 and 19st. Roughly 118Kg. I'm a UK dress size 18/20.
I'm currently having tests for Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS).
Why do I think I have binge eating disorder? I looked it up on the NHS website. They list "symptoms" as:
-eating much faster than normal during a binge
-eating until feeling uncomfortably full
-eating a lage amount of food when not hungry
-eating alone or secretly due to embarrassment about the amount of food being consumed
-feelings of guilt, shame or disgust after overeating
That's me. I do all those things. Not every day, although it was getting that way towards the end of last semester. Recently it's been about once a week.
I decided to write this now, because earlier today I bought 8 large chocolate cookies, a big box of chocolate crispy cakes, a big box of mini doughnuts and 2 Terry's chocolate oranges. Between 1.30pm and 7pm I consumed 2 cookies, one chocolate orange, all the chocolate crispy cakes and half the doughnuts. I didn't eat lunch or dinner, and I've been feeling sick for 4 hours.
I have considered throwing the rest of it away, but I know I won't. I'll probably eat most of it tomorrow.
Aside from these binges, I eat a normal, healthy diet. I know everything I should and shouldn't eat, and in what quantities. For everyone watching, I'm pretty much perfect. Only I, and now anyone reading this, know what happens in secret.
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